Why Can’t I Make Them Stay? 

  

  
You’re lonely.

 You’ve always been a lonely soul, drifting from place to place, person to person, trying to find love, acceptation, connection, warmth, non-judgement in this cold, shallow, empty world.

You’ve tried, haven’t you, to not fall in love with strangers who with their well-framed words and selfish needs managed to make you their puppet.

You’ve cried, haven’t you, endless nights when they chose to leave you, even after all you did was give give and give, and they sucked you dry of your care and selflessness.

You’ve caused yourself headaches, haven’t you, searching for reasons why it’s always you they chose to leave, to hurt, to be a monster with.

Now you have all this love to give, but no one to give it to, and these words they haunt you,
“WHAT DID I DO WRONG. WHY CAN’T I MAKE THEM STAY?”

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Tell Me 

  

Tell me about things nobody has ever asked you before. 

Tell me what goes on in your head in the moment when you’re reading a book and your eyes light up like Christmas came early and your lips curl into a cute little half smile. 

Tell me what you’re busy contemplating when the fading rays of the sunset envelope you and your gaze is fixed at a distance admiring the melange of colours in the sky. 

Tell me about your favourite music growing up that made you so quirky, your favourite movie, the part where you bawl your eyes out and later mull over it till insomnia subsides. 

Tell me about your sighs and disappointments that are constantly masked, a facade of strength and cheerfulness in its stead. 

Tell me about just how okay you’re not when you tell people you’re okay. 

Tell me who you really are on the inside, not the person you think the world should see. 

Street Nostalgia 

  

Cobbled streets always make for a picturesque beauty and if you’ve ever walked down the lanes of Colaba or Fort in South Bombay, you’d know exactly what I’m talking about. 

There’s something very soothing yet nostalgic about them, so much so I wonder if a part of my soul is lingering somewhere between the historic walls of heritage buildings and dusty grey roads adorned with age old, worn stones. 

This makes me wonder if spaces we dwell in are just houses and our homes can be found in other places – a used bookstore smelling heavenly from cooped up old books, in the arms of a person who holds your heart, a cozy couch at your best friend’s house or in my case, the handsome yet thickly populated streets of old Bombay. 

Some people are lucky enough to find a home of a more permanent nature, as for me, I always try to make the most of the fleeting moments I get to stroll past these streets, breathing in their beauty with lingering stares. 

The Pickle Of Unhappiness 

  

I have this heightened awareness of a feeling, a sort of premonition of how things are going to unfold before they actually do. 
I wish I was going to tell you about how I possess this supernatural power but, sigh, I’m only human and so, I’m only talking about plain old intuition here. 
Don’t you have this gut feeling that a relationship (be with a partner, parent, siblings or friends) is going down the road and once it’s reached a certain dead-end, there will be a point of no return? 
Can’t you feel it in your bones that things are not like they used to be? The truth is, despite wanting to give the benefit of the doubt and wanting to believe in the process of revival, things seldom do get back how they once were. They get back to ‘ as good as new’, but never the shiny new it used to be. 
If you deny having this intuition, I’d ask, how could you not see it coming? Can you not feel the difference in their embrace? Those eyes, they don’t shine like they used to anymore. Those lips, they barely have a hint of smile in your presence now. 
The thing is, when relationships are brand new, a lot of efforts are put in to make the other person happy, to adjust, to compromise and to constantly self-sacrifice. 
Then we start getting comfortable and the novelty starts to wear off. Efforts start to fade, assumptions take over, things are taken for granted and there it is, your pickle of unhappiness. 
Fights, frustration, disappointment, miscommunication will creep in, the toppings to your pickle. 
What an unhappy mess is left in the wake of a happy relationship just because we stopped putting in efforts. 

Hot Messes Need Acceptance.

acceptance

People – Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

People – Beautiful, Flawed, Funny, Horrendous.

People – Will warm your soul with a hug one moment, will freeze your heartbeats with their shrewd words the next.

People are such mysterious creatures that every relationship is nothing short of a conundrum.

Want to know one of the reasons that make you unhappy? It is wanting to figure people out. Figure out what they are made up of, what makes them tick, about why they are the way they are.

You’ll guess, guess again, evaluate and re-evaluate the way people treat you and their shifting places in your life. But wait a second, hello, that’s way too much energy, sanity and arrangement wasted over something that should be predominately inconsequential.

Why should it be inconsequential? Because, there’s no figuring out people. You may think you know people close to you in and out but one thing that’s very certain is that people have the ability to surprise you, time and again.

I’ll share my favourite quote from the book Paper Towns here:

“Maybe it’s like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen – these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

        – John Green, Paper Towns

There’s really no telling, no certainty, no guarantee that the dynamics you share right at this very moment will be the exact same dynamics you will continue sharing a week, a month, a year down the road.

Life is a wave of highs and lows and no matter how good a sailor you are, you won’t always be blessed with calm and easy waves.

So what do you do? You stop seeing people as this gigantic piece of puzzle you need to solve as if your life depended on it.

You don’t have to like what people do. Don’t try changing their behavior to suit your needs. Either walk away or accept people the hot mess that they are!