On Sleepless Nights

Sleepless Nights. 
It’s knowing you’re hurting yourself but not stopping your path to self destruction
It’s your heart wanting to freely trust but your mind playing game of friction
It’s convincing yourself that being lonely is your salvation, to stay aloof is the only way to be 
It’s all that hurt wrapped on your skin, blinding you from all the good that’s still left to see 
But once in a while when the fog clears, I run free from the maze of doubts and fear 
That windy night on your terrace is a stunning moment I will always hold dear
The sky, a beautiful mix of dark and rosy, showering a light drizzle on my cheeks 
Your arm caressing my waist softly as I stare out in amaze is that one thing on sleepless nights I miss. 

Untainted Moments

Serenity never felt so good

This fine Sunday evening 

On the dusty terrace

Lighting up a minty smoke

Listening to some mellow tunes 

With wind teasing my hair 

And watching the sunset sky slowly become one with the inky after hours

All alone

No hustle of the daily grind 

No bustle of unknown faces 

Mind finally at ease 

A content sigh on my lips 

I gave so much to people 

I forgot to take for myself 

A little piece of sanity 

A moment of alone time 

Tomorrow, the day will start with blues 

Tomorrow, I will chase the deadlines 

But this instant is untainted 

These picturesque glances are all mine.  

Solace of the Dark

  
Darkness is comforting
Not because I’m an evil schemer
Or a genius murderer 
Or an owl
But because, melancholy and nights belong together 
When they unite for a brief while
There is a sense of calm in the air 
Even though my gut feels anything but okay 
And my mind is insane with worry 
And thoughts won’t stop churning my head 
I’m sad but relieved 
They can’t see my tears 
Or see me shake 
Or hear my sighs 
And I hope 
I join my hands and pray 
Maybe the sound of silence will be louder 
The Moon will sing me a melody 
The clouds will whisper sweet nothings 
The stars will watch over me 
All so it doesn’t hurt anymore 
So your memories don’t feel like a bullet shot through my chest. 

Of hope and regret

  

  
I was doing fine 

But today 

Your name crossed my mind

So I went back and listened to the songs

Songs that reminded me of you

They sounded like a beautiful mixture 
Of hope and regret 

But as the melody went on, 

I realised 
That the beauty of the music still remained 
While your memories were slowly but surely fading. 
 ✨🍀

How Do I Let It Go?

  

Let. It. Go. 

Three simple words. Are they really? 

How do I let it go when you’re the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning, the last one on my mind when I fall asleep and a million times in between? 

How do I let it go when mind still craves our silly conversations, my heart still yearns for your goofy smile and my body longs to be touched by you? 

How do I let it go when I’m perpetually daydreaming about what ifs and could bes, about what went wrong and why can’t it be salvaged? 

How do I let it go when my mind is always restless, heart is always heavy and eyes always teary when I think of you? 

How do I let it go when I know I won’t find another like you, shy, charming with that lopsided smile?  

How do I let it go when you were never even mine to let go? 

How do I let it go when I’m still in love with you and I know I meant absolutely nothing to you. 

Was it easy?

 
 Was it easy? 

Luring me in and then walking away? Like none of it mattered? Like I didn’t matter? Like the times we shared just faded into dust? I’ve never felt so broken and unlovable. 

Was it easy? 

Promising me the stars and then leaving me on a barren land to admire their beauty from afar, all alone, lonely and cold? I will never be able to love those stars again. 

Was it easy? 

Not fighting for me, putting the blame on my shoulders and then seeking solace in another’s arms soon after? The pain that shot through my chest is indescribable. 

Was it easy? 

Destroying my worth and ruining my sanity, sucking me off all my love, leaving me on the stone cold floor to lie in a heap of bones and tears? I will never be the same again. 

Detriment

 

I want to be at peace with my past

 
Try to be brave, let go of the mistakes I made last

 
Took a deep breath, gathered some courage

 
Listened to the mix-tape you made me, the steady stream of tears has me worried
I wish it didn’t end this way, I wish it didn’t end at all

 
Why do I keep punishing myself, when you’re equally to blame for my fall?

 
I’m torn baby, devastatingly so,

 
Between shunning you and keeping your memories wrapped up with a pretty ribbon in a bow.

 
Was I nothing to you, why did our love get sour?

 
Why didn’t you fight for us, what did I push you away for?

 
Now my head is spinning, round and round

 
A million questions, answers to which will be never found

 
If you can hear my mind screaming, just answer me this

 
Will it ever stop hurting, will I ever find bliss?

Slow Fade

Craving you 
Got to push you away
I’m your worst nightmare 

Baby I’m also your saving grace. 
Looking for reasons 

But I can’t seem to find 

Why should I be yours 

And who are you to be mine? 
Talk talk talk 

It’s a lonely world 

Sinning is your pride 

Loving you, my paradise. 
In a slow fade

When black and white turns to grey 

You’ll think of me one last time 

You’ll want to let out one last cry. 
I’ll tell you I’m going baby 

I’ll fade into dust 

I’ll tell you to remember baby 

I didn’t give us up without a fight. 

Of Maybes

Maybe

Maybe we’re all different by name, but we’re playing the same game

Maybe we’re always running cause deep down, we want to be chased

Maybe we’re not bone tired, we’re tired from fighting a war inside our head

Maybe we’re so fond of nostalgia because we’re afraid of being happy

Maybe we’re living in houses, but our homes are in the arms of someone

Maybe we’re not lost yet, just waiting to be found.

Rise

  
RISE 

You may fall down

But you’ll get up

Some days you’ll cry yourself to sleep

Some nights you won’t sleep at all

Far and near, you’ll lose people that are dear

The cold in your soul will be thwarted

Happy memories will be washed 

Leaving a faint hint of nostalgia

One day they’ll even fade

Freeing up your mental storage space 

You’ll learn to compartmentalise anew 

People, priorities, places

Life will make sense again 

Mind over matter

Sanity and semblance will return

Feelings won’t claw like a monster inside of you

Once more, you’ll find yourself wanting to smile

With or without the help of another

You’ll start feeling different, happier

You’ll start breathing with a purpose

You’ll start loving again, loving you 

Cause baby girl when you’ve been down for too long

There’s nowhere to go but rise upwards.