On Which Road To Take

Life is a series of moments where you will be standing at a point, deciding on which road to take. 

As the proverb goes, we’re lead to believe that the road less travelled, is more adventurous and less crowded. And of course we want more adventure in life, more thrill, so we tell ourselves, ‘Hey, it’s going to be difficult but it will be worth it. I’m going to learn so much and I’m going to gain so much’. 
Alright. That’s fair enough. We never grow if we don’t give ourselves a chance to explore, take on an untraveled path, make mistakes and gain experience in the process. 

But must be always give ourselves grief in order to grow? Must we always choose the more difficult option to explore? Should experiences be shaped by bitter memories for them to be considered worth it? 

Give yourself a time out. You’re a human and throughout this lifetime, you’ll get options – the easy one and the hard one. 

And I’ve never been the one to say that shirking from hard work is the easier option, but sometimes it’s okay to take shortcuts or the road that every one else seems to be taking. Sometimes the more difficult road can lead you to nowhere but a dead end. 

And until now, I thought unless I slog off at work for more or less the same pay that I uses to make at my previous job that seemed easier in terms of travel, convenience and the effort required, I won’t be able to grow and I won’t be able to go places. 

So I took up the challenge. I travelled quite a few miles to go to the new job, was okay about ungodly working hours and put in all my efforts towards something I realised wasn’t my area of interest in the first place. 

Was the previous job not worth it because it came naturally and felt easy? Of course not but I only just realised that I actually liked it. 

We learn from mistakes and here is my lesson, ‘Don’t always insist on taking the hard road because sometimes we create a more difficult road just in order to punish ourselves for crimes we didn’t commit in the first place’.

It’s your decision to make…

It’s inevitable. Pain. 

You can’t expect to get through this life all smiles and sunshines. 

There’s going to be bruises, and hurt, and tears, and broken heart accompanied by an indescribable feeling that will tear through your chest in its own leisurely pace. 

But then, it’s upto you! To look at yourself in the mirror and cringe at the reflection looking back at you or to salute yourself for making it this far in a battlefield. It’s upto you to let the bruises haunt you or to proudly wear the scars like they’re pretty bows. It’s upto you to let the hurt define you or let the pain make you stronger. 

Each new day, remember why you breathe and give whole heartedly believe that it’s going to be alright. 

When the hurt fades just a little bit everyday, the sparkle in your eye will shine a little bit brighter. 

One day, one day you’ll breathe again without the air seeping through the pieces that seem calloused and cracked. 

Remember that it’s never too late. You can always pick yourself up, dust yourself up, shrug and call it a ‘life lesson’. 

It’s never a tragedy unless you decide to make yourself a victim.

The Word ‘Different’

Different. More often than not, it is regarded as a negative connotation. Our society has a very different definition of the word ‘different’ than what it originated as. 
I’m not a stuck up person, my way of life is just different than yours. I’m not lazy, I just prioritise my tasks differently than you. I don’t care less, I just dedicate my time and emotions to people and things closest to my heart. I don’t not give a fuck, I just don’t give a fuck about you. 
Don’t hate on me for living my life differently than what you would consider ‘normal’ because, come on, normal is overrated and we’re living in god damn 21st century. You’d think after years of evolution, research, science and technology, human brain would at least be somewhat mature but not everyone has cared to evolve. What else would you call people who label others based on their race, income, political beliefs and their general way of life? 
I am different than you and you are different than me because guess what, God made us this way and if we’d all be like each other, this world would be a pretty boring place. (I’d be praying to an alien to come take me to Mars) 
People are often mocked and ridiculed because they simply don’t fit in the definition of ‘normal’ set by a bunch of other people.  They will say “how can you just not give a fuck!”. Well you got it wrong, there are plenty of fucks to give, just none to you. 
Being an introvert mostly comes with pitfalls. One doesn’t  mind being called shy but usually, the reality hits too far away from home. ‘Ignorant’, ‘Slow’, ‘Stuck Up’, ‘None Fucks To Give’ were always the words one is often associated with. 

Take me for an example. 
I’m an introvert. I’m different from you. I can’t always make small talks about the weather or dwell deep into the sea of spirituality. 
I like crowds just as much as I like keeping to myself. 
I like books, and tea, and music,  and sunsets. I like picnics on a sunny day with people who understand my silence. 
I’m not abnormal, I’m different, I’m just not like you. 

Why Can’t I Make Them Stay?

  

  
You’re lonely.

 You’ve always been a lonely soul, drifting from place to place, person to person, trying to find love, acceptation, connection, warmth, non-judgement in this cold, shallow, empty world.

You’ve tried, haven’t you, to not fall in love with strangers who with their well-framed words and selfish needs managed to make you their puppet.

You’ve cried, haven’t you, endless nights when they chose to leave you, even after all you did was give give and give, and they sucked you dry of your care and selflessness.

You’ve caused yourself headaches, haven’t you, searching for reasons why it’s always you they chose to leave, to hurt, to be a monster with.

Now you have all this love to give, but no one to give it to, and these words they haunt you,
“WHAT DID I DO WRONG. WHY CAN’T I MAKE THEM STAY?”

Solace of the Dark

  
Darkness is comforting
Not because I’m an evil schemer
Or a genius murderer 
Or an owl
But because, melancholy and nights belong together 
When they unite for a brief while
There is a sense of calm in the air 
Even though my gut feels anything but okay 
And my mind is insane with worry 
And thoughts won’t stop churning my head 
I’m sad but relieved 
They can’t see my tears 
Or see me shake 
Or hear my sighs 
And I hope 
I join my hands and pray 
Maybe the sound of silence will be louder 
The Moon will sing me a melody 
The clouds will whisper sweet nothings 
The stars will watch over me 
All so it doesn’t hurt anymore 
So your memories don’t feel like a bullet shot through my chest. 

LOVING AND LOSING: A PERSPECTIVE

 

 

When a person leaves your life, willingly or unwillingly, what would the normal human reaction be?

 

Sadness? Anger? Resentment? Betrayal?

 

All of the above. All of them at once or maybe one by one, in phases.

 

Life is a series of change. We are all moving, changing and others are too.

 

Sometimes people come in your life, to not be a definite part of your future but to make you happy, teach you important life lessons and point out things which you hadn’t really focused on before.

 

Yeah you might miss them, and pine for them and long for them but once their part in your life is over, they aren’t going to return, even if you pray on the falling stars, drop a million coins in wishing wells or make a wish on 11.11 days after days and nights after nights.

 

Your paths crossed for a little while, destinies aligned for a few days, months, years, but that’s all. Not every relationship is meant to last or transform into something beautiful.

 

 

You’ll learn this the hard way. You’ll learn it when the person leaves and there’s not much you can do but wait and wish and long for their return.

 

The waiting will teach you that patience and time will surely and slowly heal the cracks, the tears will cleanse your soul and teach you that it’s okay to fall apart for things or people you cherish and wishing will teach you the difference between hoping and expecting and maybe help you form a tighter bond with your creator.

 

So give yourself time. Lots of time. It may take a few months or a couple of years but it’s going to be okay.

 

Move on because you’re still breathing and your heart still beats with a purpose to fulfill. Start living your life and cherishing people still around you.

 

Don’t forget to be grateful for people who chose to enter and leave your life. Deep inside you know you wouldn’t have traded those moments for anything else.

Was it easy?

 
 Was it easy? 

Luring me in and then walking away? Like none of it mattered? Like I didn’t matter? Like the times we shared just faded into dust? I’ve never felt so broken and unlovable. 

Was it easy? 

Promising me the stars and then leaving me on a barren land to admire their beauty from afar, all alone, lonely and cold? I will never be able to love those stars again. 

Was it easy? 

Not fighting for me, putting the blame on my shoulders and then seeking solace in another’s arms soon after? The pain that shot through my chest is indescribable. 

Was it easy? 

Destroying my worth and ruining my sanity, sucking me off all my love, leaving me on the stone cold floor to lie in a heap of bones and tears? I will never be the same again. 

DEAR SELF IN 2016

  

A Note to Self, From Self:

It’s 2016 in just another day and I’m writing this to remind you of everything you wanted to do in 2016.

Read this and gather motivation.

Fresh year. Fresh start.

You crave it, you love fresh beginnings. You’ve been eagerly waiting for it since the past few weeks.

Don’t be stuck in the past. Make peace with it. Let bygones be bygones. You made a mistake, or many mistakes.

Forgive yourself, you’re only human. Forget the situation. It’s time to move on.

People who want to be in your life will make an effort. It’s their time to show you they care. You’ve made enough efforts.

Don’t daydream about the future. You’re wasting today for a tomorrow that may not be as you had desired. You’ll only disappoint yourself further.

Love today. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re alive, TODAY. Be grateful for the present.

Don’t be afraid of being lonely. Embrace solitude. 
Silence shouldn’t scare you. If silence makes you seek companionship, talk to God. You’ll feel better. Listen to music, let it soothe you.

Get off social media. Don’t spend countless hours stalking people you know, don’t be curious about strangers. You don’t want to meet another Internet fuck boy, trust me.

Spend time reading and writing and exploring music genres beyond your comfort level.

Cultivate a new hobby. Get Fit. Eat Healthy. Sleep early.

Stop clicking selfies. You don’t validation.

Limit usage of internet. Sit down with a pen and paper and plan your week.

Take yourself out on a date. A coffee shop, fine dining or perhaps, just a movie.

Stop texting, call instead.

Explore. Travel. Be brave. Take risks. Go out on new adventures.

Stop being a people pleaser. Learn to say no without explaining. The ones who understand, won’t demand an explanation.

Save Money. Be kind.

Value the little things. Practice Gratitude. Be thankful for your family. Spend more time with them.

Get a cat. Get a tattoo. Take a long holiday in a foreign destination. You’ve wanted these things since forever. This year, you should.

Don’t be naïve but don’t be afraid to give love a chance. Broken heart will be healed but ‘What ifs’ tend to haunt forever.

Love yourself; don’t be dependent on a man to give you love.

Don’t take people or things for granted. Don’t assume.

Talk it out. Communicate.

Forgive others for being human and making mistakes but don’t make it a habit. Set a limit to how much you can tolerate.

Don’t be impulsive but also don’t plan things down to the T. Let life be unfolded naturally. It will surprise you; maybe you’ll even like the surprise.

Don’t be a gossip. You have better things to do.

Don’t be judgmental, it’s not your job. You’re not God.

Remember the good times from 2015 but don’t dwell on the times you broke down and cried.

Forgive people who hurt you and regret nothing.

Last but not the least, smile often and choose to be happy!

Detriment

 

I want to be at peace with my past

 
Try to be brave, let go of the mistakes I made last

 
Took a deep breath, gathered some courage

 
Listened to the mix-tape you made me, the steady stream of tears has me worried
I wish it didn’t end this way, I wish it didn’t end at all

 
Why do I keep punishing myself, when you’re equally to blame for my fall?

 
I’m torn baby, devastatingly so,

 
Between shunning you and keeping your memories wrapped up with a pretty ribbon in a bow.

 
Was I nothing to you, why did our love get sour?

 
Why didn’t you fight for us, what did I push you away for?

 
Now my head is spinning, round and round

 
A million questions, answers to which will be never found

 
If you can hear my mind screaming, just answer me this

 
Will it ever stop hurting, will I ever find bliss?

Unwarranted Change

 

There are two kinds of people.

 
One, who isolate themselves and completely shut off from the world when they’re feeling down. They don’t want to show their open wounds and tear streaked face to others because they know that people (even the ones to seem to love you and care for you) either wouldn’t be able to understand would judge them or even worse, pour salt on their wounds.

 
So they wallow in self pity, mind – a chaos, clothes – a mess, with red rimmed eyes, bed the only place of solace and music, the only source of minuscule comfort. They’re the kind who will desperately try to be strong in their moment of weakness.

 
They are the ones who cared more in a relationship and the ones who hurt more. They are the restless ones, the ones who feel they’re too damaged for love. Their life nothing but a lonely hollow existence, where the nights feel too long and days begin too soon.

 
I used to be this kind of person.

 

 
Then I changed and began to associate myself with people belonging to the second category.

 
When I was sad, I wanted to be with anyone but myself. I started abhorring my own company.

 
Even though I knew treacherous thoughts wouldn’t leave their shackles on my mind, I still wanted to lose myself in a room full of familiar faces.

 
Thus began my transformation.

 
A person who didn’t mind being on her own for days began changing into a person who constantly wanted human attention and conversation.

 
I started calling people more often, began mending fences with friends who I had fallen out with, sought mindless, random conversations from strangers on the internet, started reading more relationships quotes on Pinterest (that only depressed me further) and overshared on social media.

 
Uploading a selfie (and the constant stream of notification when somebody like my picture) was my version of vague human interaction to keep myself occupied.

 
I wondered if any of this was real or if my heart was really into talking to people. I realized it was just a ploy I had created to keep myself busy for I thought that being busy meant I wouldn’t think about the heart that was still aching and about the person who caused it to ache.
Can a person or a situation change you so much?