Why Can’t I Make Them Stay?

  

  
You’re lonely.

 You’ve always been a lonely soul, drifting from place to place, person to person, trying to find love, acceptation, connection, warmth, non-judgement in this cold, shallow, empty world.

You’ve tried, haven’t you, to not fall in love with strangers who with their well-framed words and selfish needs managed to make you their puppet.

You’ve cried, haven’t you, endless nights when they chose to leave you, even after all you did was give give and give, and they sucked you dry of your care and selflessness.

You’ve caused yourself headaches, haven’t you, searching for reasons why it’s always you they chose to leave, to hurt, to be a monster with.

Now you have all this love to give, but no one to give it to, and these words they haunt you,
“WHAT DID I DO WRONG. WHY CAN’T I MAKE THEM STAY?”

Solace of the Dark

  
Darkness is comforting
Not because I’m an evil schemer
Or a genius murderer 
Or an owl
But because, melancholy and nights belong together 
When they unite for a brief while
There is a sense of calm in the air 
Even though my gut feels anything but okay 
And my mind is insane with worry 
And thoughts won’t stop churning my head 
I’m sad but relieved 
They can’t see my tears 
Or see me shake 
Or hear my sighs 
And I hope 
I join my hands and pray 
Maybe the sound of silence will be louder 
The Moon will sing me a melody 
The clouds will whisper sweet nothings 
The stars will watch over me 
All so it doesn’t hurt anymore 
So your memories don’t feel like a bullet shot through my chest. 

Smirking In Irony

  

And suddenly it was crystal clear. 
Why you chose her, and why you walked away, putting the entire blame on my shoulder. 
I wished you’d been man enough to have courage and speak the truth. 

We live in a world where we constantly talk about chivalry being dead and dead it is, for you never thought of taking the responsibility to share the blame of us falling apart. I bet the shopping bags you held for me are smirking at the irony. 

I don’t envy her, I never did. I always thought she was way below the type of girl you deserved. You deserved me. Now I’m smirking at the irony. 

I don’t blame her, I don’t blame you, I don’t even blame myself. You took the easy way out. How can I blame you for following a simple human nature? 

We all want what is easy, and convenient. 

She was there, raw, real, reachable. 

I was sitting at home, thousands of miles away, waiting for a text that never back. How would it? 

You were busy hugging human warmth that couldn’t have reached through my texts. 

I forgive you. Following your heart and following your nature is hardly a sin. 

It was too soon, it wasn’t soon enough. 

We were too perfect and you imperfect for each other. 

I forgive you. 

I’m free. 
And yet my tears are smirking in irony. 

How Do I Let It Go?

  

Let. It. Go. 

Three simple words. Are they really? 

How do I let it go when you’re the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning, the last one on my mind when I fall asleep and a million times in between? 

How do I let it go when mind still craves our silly conversations, my heart still yearns for your goofy smile and my body longs to be touched by you? 

How do I let it go when I’m perpetually daydreaming about what ifs and could bes, about what went wrong and why can’t it be salvaged? 

How do I let it go when my mind is always restless, heart is always heavy and eyes always teary when I think of you? 

How do I let it go when I know I won’t find another like you, shy, charming with that lopsided smile?  

How do I let it go when you were never even mine to let go? 

How do I let it go when I’m still in love with you and I know I meant absolutely nothing to you. 

A retreat for the soul.

Tears slowly cascade down her cheeks, not matching up to the heightened gnawing pain in her chest that feels almost too unbearable for a minute.

The salty moisture traveling southward won’t even match unto the million thoughts zooming past her head. Every single of them painful and reminding them of what she’s been lacking.

She’s been strong too long, pretending all is okay. Like her existence has still plenty of meaning left and that she’d find a way to make it through. Waiting, wishing that each new day would bring in a new possibility, that finally, it would be her time to shine, just like everybody else seems to be doing.

But then it becomes glaringly obvious, staring at the bright side too long never did her any good. All it did was left her blinded, disappointed.

She wanted to believe, oh she did, but fate and universe had other plans for her. To put her in a state of limbo, with no signs towards the exit route.

The positive thoughts began to turn into doubts, hope shattered and she began to fear that she was right for being as afraid as she always was.

Maybe tomorrow she wouldn’t be such a downer but not today. Today was her day to retreat. To pull down the blinds of her soul, to take off her rose tinted glasses of positivity and hope.

Today she would shut down, from people and technology and happy stories and romantic movies.

Today she would mourn, cry, let it all out and send her soul on a retreat.